(N.B. Some names have been changed to protect the guilty)
Germany has, since the end of World War 2, embraced democracy with a fervour that is nothing short of fanatical. To be seen to be doing anything other than giving every man, jack and his dog his full and legal voting rights, is a throw back to very much darker times when personal choice was simply not on the public agenda in any way, shape or form. Franklin D. Roosevelt said, ”Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education.” Germany on the whole has a fantastically well educated society and in general they reap the rewards of many long and arduous years of higher and advanced education.
In my first few months of living here I was given the opportunity to vote in the local Hessen state elections. It is a given right here, that anyone whomsoever that wishes to run for a public office, shall be given the right to do so. The pre-voting sample form that was wedged in my letter box, some 3 weeks before the elections, was to be the beginning of a long and convoluted understanding into the ways of the German psyche.
Having only recently arrived in the country and not knowing any of the potential candidates was not my main concern. What beggared belief was simply the sheer number of candidates on the ballot paper for your consideration. “Political insanity”, springs to mind as one appropriate term. Aristotle once said, “Man by nature is a political animal.” This undoubtedly was a safari park, the fences were down and someone had forgotten to feed the lions.
*** Make your free and educated guess from any of the 481 nominated candidates ....... yeah right !!!!!
Inherent to this new world process of giving everyone their unhindered freedom of choice, there has also arisen a darker and more menacing side effect of the overall process. A debilitating cancer that is slowly eating its way into the every day lives of people all over Germany. This staggeringly detrimental effect is seen in the daily inability, in offices everywhere here, to take charge, make a hard and fast decision of your own volition and to hold firmly to it.
This truly spirited embracing of the democratic procedure, now means that nothing at all can move forward in the workplace here unless you have the unequivocal backing of 99.9999% of your departmental colleagues. Every single form and memo must be stamped, countersigned, duly notarised by one of the 12 Apostles and distributed by registered mail to every living person within a 5km radius. Finally, somewhere within the triple bound and stapled addendum is a blood weeping stigmata being ultimate proof of God’s own seal of approval.
I see endless meetings everyday in my workplace. Hundreds of hours per year are frittered away without anyone apparently making a hard and fast decision about anything much at all. I hear the same sorts of stories from all my friends wherever they work, no matter the type of industry or its size. In German office culture no one ever wants to be the one who says, ”Alright, that’s final then, make it happen people.” When it comes to decision making it is far preferable that someone, anyone but yourself, does it so that your head and career, are not at anytime in jeopardy or god forbid, under scrutiny, from higher powers. Hence the regular use of stigmata to condone a decision truly does assist.
I do not believe I have ever found a German translation for, “The buck stops here!”. I have very strong and depressing suspicions that if indeed it ever did exist then it has probably gone the same way as all those back copies of, “Mein Kampf.”
Where I am living, my house mates and I have always led a very simple, eco friendly and cost effective life style. We try very hard to waste nothing at all. We only use electricity for the essentials like refrigeration and washing and most evenings the only light in the house comes from a pair of candles in the kitchen. This is not only cost efficient but it eases the stress on your eyes after sitting in front of computer terminal all day at the office. We collect as much rain water as possible for the garden and other house hold tasks as well as making good use of all the fruits, nuts and vegetables that mature in the garden. Television is virtually never watched apart from a very occasional DVD.
With a recent change to our circumstances and after 8 long years of careful deliberation, truly the German way, we decided to get the Internet connected at home. Initial enquiries produced some favourable results and after several more months of household round table discussions, as well as searching for a locally available Apostle to sign off on the decision, we signed up with Telekoon and their T@Home-Alone package. It was at this point that our odyssey into that bizarre and frustrating realm of German indecisiveness and buck passing began.
The initial switch over form our ancient analogue lines to the digital network was implemented on the 27 June. This fundamental alteration which is achieved by the mere flick of a switch in the local exchange resulted in our house being without any telephone connection at all for several days. The roller coaster was gaining momentum.
We enjoy our peace and quiet at home and rarely do not get more than a handful of phone calls in a week. To this end we were not particularly perturbed and life continued without any major dramas. What lay ahead of us would prove to be one of the most uncoordinated, mismanaged customer service events I have ever witnessed. The idea of full and proper, “Customer Service”, does not seem to exist in Germany either. I know this issue is becoming a bug bear the world over but some places still do it worse than others. Maybe I was looking in all the wrong places and should have been looking under “T” for “The Buck Stops Here” or under “M” for “Mein Kampf” but either way this much flaunted selling point of our new service provider failed to materialise under any guise or in any form when dealing with T-Offline. Ineptitude is such a lovely word that nicely sums up the total lack of any qualities that might have rendered their services of any value or redeemed them as a service provider. Ineptitude, yes, I like the way it rolls off the tongue and slithers off your chin to the floor, where you can then grind at it at leisure beneath the heel of your jaded, world weary, boot heel.
After 3 days the phone was eventually restored to life. This was a miracle of precedented proportions given what was to come. After having spent more than a day with our newly restored phone line trying to get the computer to connect, we conceded defeat. The error message was always the same. User-name and Password not recognised. Consulting our endless booklets of brightly coloured documentation, provided by the company to terminally confuse and bewilder the average customer, we actually discovered a Customer Service number. It was a free call number.
How soon we were to learn that nothing is ever free and that this so called free number would consume, without pausing for a redial, massive quantities of personal time, whole days of annual leave and endless mental stress. It was somewhat like having a black hole attached to a spiral cord in your house. Place the receiver to your ear and your brain would get sucked into an awaiting vacuum which resounds to the tacky sounds of bygone pop or worse. This was day one of the great telephone marathon and on this day alone we called T@Home-Alone 4 times.
Each successive call would reach a different operator, most often in a different location around Germany. Each operator had to be fully enlightened as to the reason for the call before they would inevitably tell you that it was a matter for the Technical Department and that they would transfer you. Most times the call transfer failed and you would be cut off, only to end up back at square one, redialling, just to tell another agent the same story once again, so as they would have an opportunity to disconnect you yet again. Eventually, we managed to talk to a voice at the Technical Department who advised us that they would raise a Job Ticket to look into the issue and that someone would call us back when the issue was resolved.
Thirty hours later we were calling them again, we were told that no error could be detected and therefore the problem lay at our end with either our Fritz-box, computer or cabling. By day 5 with the assistance of a friend and her laptop we ascertained that the outbound line was indeed functioning as she could access her office and emails from our property. Armed with this information it was time to go back into the T@Home-Alone freecall black hole.
This time we got rather a nice young lady, who listened very carefully to our tale of woe for 15 minutes, before telling us that we really needed to discuss it with, you guessed it, the Technical Department, soon to be referred to as “The Death Star in the Vacuum”. She transferred the call and surprise, surprise, the line fell out. Determinedly, we called back and got another person to whom we again explained the situation and then they transferred us successfully. The Tech person we spoke to agreed that the fault must lie with the User-name and Password, just as our home computer system had so kindly advised the first time. They would now open a Job Ticket, look into that particular issue and then someone would call us back to advise the outcome.
Two days later we still had no reply so it was back into the black hole. After going through 3 different people we were told that this last Job Ticket was also now closed and that no problems had been detected. We asked them what they would then suggest, given that we had access from our house to the net but not through our own house account, which was blocked by the invalid User-name and Password. The solution offered was that we now required a visit, from one of their technical staff, to our house to fully review the computer setup before they could take any further action. Action being a word which was used a little to freely given the com plete lack of it. The earliest appointment available was 4 days away, unable to do otherwise we agreed to have someone at home to meet them between 9-12 in the morning. On the evening before the appointment we had a phone call from the assigned technician asking us, had we tried this, had we tried that. He obviously had no love of house calls, he was going to solve it right here and now. After an hour of discussion and explanations he said that he would investigate further at his end before coming to the house the next morning. If and only if, we should manage to get a connection before he came, then please let him know so that he could cancel the appointment. We said that we would do this and that was that.
The following day the technician never turned up and one of us had taken a day off work to be there for him. After 2 more calls and another hour on the phone in the middle of the afternoon, we were told that the appointment had been cancelled, as they never received any input from our end as to whether or not we had established a connection. As they had heard nothing they assumed that we were now alright. Not that anyone there checked to see if our account connection was up and running mind you. The word KILL was slowly beginning to surface in darker thoughts as the honey toned agent prattled on about excuses and unavoidable misunderstandings etc etc etc. It was Friday and the next available appointment was Wednesday of the following week, a mere 5 days further on.
At this point, sheer frustration was slowly beginning to boil into a cauldron of barely suppressed anger. This was becoming to much to bear and the sheer lack of professional and helpful support was nothing short of sickening. How any company, in any country, could employ so many people with absolutely no idea how to do their job efficiently, defies logic. I guess it comes down to a badly run HR department and poor or non existent job training. At this point we had been waiting for a solution for over 2 weeks. We were none the closer.
On the following Monday, we contacted them yet again having decided that waiting till Wednesday for a home visit was utter nonsense. All they had to do was accept the fact, that the connection at their end was flawed, to reset our account and issue us with a new User-name and Password. Having gone through the entire rigmarole of explanation yet again, one begins to wonder why, a high tech company with so many agents, handling so many customers, would not have a more effective system in place. A system, whereby simply keying in your home phone number would show them the entire case history of your account and any pending works or tickets that were currently being actioned. Oh no, this would be far to logical and simple. There was only one way to do this and that was the hard way, with not one person ever recording a single bit of information on file with the exception of opening useless Job Tickets. Tickets that obviously got closed out without anyone investigating them properly. We were told that there were no pending Job Tickets open for our account, nor was there any record of the previous tickets. We would need to speak with, “all together now”, The Technical Department. Please hold while I transfer you to 'The Death Star'. Bloody Hell!!!!! This time it seemed the Gods were smiling. We got a girl who actually seemed to know what she was doing. One of Darth's daughters no doubt. Hurrah!!! She said that she could see in a separate system that our account had no connection to the T@Offline DS-LAN server. User-name and Password were false. Ahhhh sweet progress. At last someone could see the glitch. She knew how to work around 'The Dark Side'. She opened a new Job Ticket and said that we would be contacted as soon as the ticket was resolved. This was at 9am. When it got to 5pm on the same day we called again to check on the progress and why we had not heard back. After doing the explanation routine all over again to Agent 100-XYZ-Noname-52 we were transferred again to 'The Death Star' where we were answered by one of the lower minions of evil who explained that they were permitted 24 hours to to clear a Job Ticket and that we would simply have to wait. Obviously 2 and half weeks was not sufficiently long enough. Time is not relative in a Death Star and if you are not from 'The Dark Side' then be prepared to wait !
The following day at midday, 27 hours after the ticket was raised we called again. Same explanation routine to Agent 100-XYZ-Noname-53 and off again to the Darth's kingdom. We had to stop meeting like this, people would begin to ask questions. GRRRRR!!! The wonderfully intelligent, bright spark we spoke to then said that they had checked all of the data and that nothing was wrong at their end and hence no one had called us. They had nothing to report so why bother calling! He had obviously suffered damage in a recent meteorite shower or radiation storm and was not feeling quite himself. We told him that the girl on the previous day, Darth's daughter none less, could see in her system that we had no connection to DS-LAN server, how could he not see the same? We asked if he would PLEASE be so kind as to reset the account and issue us with a new User-name and Password. Just send us out our new log-in details as this was obviously the source of the problem, pleeeease!! After 18 days of inaction, we had had enough of the run around and all we wanted was some positive action from their end. He then asked us why we were calling on the Customer Free-call number and not the pay by the minute Death Star hotline? My housemate told him that after almost 3 weeks of paying for a non existent service, that the last thing we were going to do, was to pay extra to contact them when the problem was of their own making. He hung up on us! Click!! Un-bloody-believable! The incompetent jackass hung UP!! He was obviously suffering from delusions of adequacy. What a waste of flesh. Darth was obviously paying bonuses for acts of extreme vindictivness. Whatever social and mental dilemmas he was currently facing were obviously sufficient to get him institutionalised. He had the attention span of a short circuit. Dogs would refuse to lie down with him. Where was my AK47 when I needed it most. In old age Mikhail Kalashnikov had said that he was truly sorry that he had not invented the lawnmower instead of the Kalashnikov automatic assault rifle but I guess he had also tried to get connected with T-Offline. History written as needs must.
Mikhail Kalashnikov Home Internet Lethal Weapon
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein.
I think in the case of this particular Death Star employee Einstein had it right. This agent was no doubt on a, "Death Star Evil Executive Fast Track Program". He was surely destined for great lows!
Calling back yet again, with near bleeding fingers and a thunderhead circling the room spitting lightening bolts, we were subjected to the same numbingly pointless explanations again before being given another audience with 'The Dark Side'. Customer service my ass! Customer aggravation, customer exasperation, customer harassment! The song they were playing on hold was, "Don't You Want Somebody To Help You." So utterly painfully absurd it was almost worth laughing. I have to say it brought tears to my eyes. Tears of frustration and anger. This time the minion of darkness we spoke to agreed to send out a Telekoon technician (a separate entity to T@Home-Alone technical support) to get an overview but we would have to wait 2 days as he was booked up until then. The appointment would be scheduled by the end of the week and Santa Claus is an anorexic and the Easter Bunny has chronic diabetes. I wonder how hard he laughed after the call ended. I was positive I heard a deeply resonating evil chuckle echoing through the cavernous darkness of the Death Star and out to the galaxies beyond as the call disconnected. The kind of laughter that haunts your dreams and costs vast amounts of money on a psychiatric couch to treat.
The evening prior to his appointment, a very nice man from Telekoon phoned the house. He was courteous and helpful and was obviously schooled in a completely different level of customer assistance. He was to be our Mr Skywalker. (FX- Fanfares and cheering!) He went through a long series of checks with us and called us back on that evening a total of 6 times as he went off to re-check on each of the various possibilities. The eventual upshot was that he properly ascertained that our log-in details were false and that we should call T@Home-Alone, get new log-in details and then he would call back in an hour and see if that worked. Once again we set off on the road to nowhere. Dialled T@Home-Alone. Why oh why hadn't we made an MP3 of the full explanation, so we could tell the answering agent, please listen to this recording whilst we go and make coffee or have our dinner. Explanations and family history given we were transferred to Death Star central. It then transpired that one of Darth's severly inbred offspring was chosen to inform us with great delight and no doubt, maniacal rubbing together of the hands, that this information, no matter the request from the Telekoon technician, could not be given out over the phone and that we must wait for it to be sent out by post. It would only take but a few short days to set up a new account and post the information out to us. Let's not forget now, time is only relevent outside the Death Star. This was day 23 of the debacle and now we had to wait for them to send a letter out. I wondered about interstellar postal services and whether we would live long enough to see it.
When Mr Skywalker called back we told him what had been said to us and he said he would call us right back. Fifteen minutes later he called and gave us a temporary user name and password which, wait for it, drum roll ...... actually worked. He obviously, had not forgotten where he had stashed his AK47, light sword or whatever. The Dominions of Evil had fallen to his persuasive threats. The log-in was only valid for 7 days but he said it would be enough time for our new details to come by post barring any nearby suns going nova. Gravity wells and time warp distortions could not be guaranteed against either.
We all stood around our home computer staring at the Google home page as if it were the second coming of Christ. It certainly was not of any less significance. This battle was over, the forces of good + Google had prevailed.
Twenty three days of endless, mind numbing idiocy to get a simple problem rectified. Countless hours on the telephone, days wasted waiting on non existent call backs and appointments. The true cost in personal time, anxiety and stress was enormous. The impression that will remain for a lifetime of T@Home-Alone services will never sweeten. It is soured milk that not even pigs would deign to slurp.
This was the proof positive of all that is so very wrong in German businesses where no one wants to make a decision or put their head on the line to make a hard and fast decision. Better to pass it on to someone else and perpetuate the democratic process of which they are all so fond and deeply inured.
It is the true tragedy that this melding of democracy with modern office thinking in that little if anything ever truly gets efficiently completed. We have no doubt that we were not alone in going through this bungling chaos. The narcissistic democratic processes which thrive like a cancer is painful to watch and infinitely harder to work with. They are like ships at sea, steered by helmsmen whose eyes lie fixed, all slow, dead ahead. In the modern business environment the need to adapt to change on a daily basis is paramount. To wait for the rest of your department, the cleaning lady and him on high to give the tabled decision the thumbs up is simply not an expedient or practical way to run a business. In all fairness I will say that in so much as Germany is slow to adopt change and new practises it did stand them in good stead in the recent financial crisis. Pension funds, property prices and inflation barely registered a blip here in comparison to the rest of the world. Maybe their cautious and pedantic approach to change lies within the knowledge that not all change is good and if it's not broken then don't try and fix it. One firm that does need to adopt a better attitude towards their customers is certainly T-Offline. Just fixing any single thing at all, in a timely manner would be a monumental leap, in the right direction.
We have now been billed to date for the full period, including 23 days of non-existant internet service, as well as, a sum for Mr Skywalker to rescue us from the grubby hands of Death Star minions. AK47 rental and light sword polishing were obviously included in the rate. A letter of complaint has been written to the Head Office and sent over a month ago. Unsurprisingly it has not been answered. In some ways this is maybe a god send, as no doubt, any reply would ask us to ring the Customer Free Call number, where our complaint could be effectively dealt with. I think that paying the bill is better than going down that road to nowhere once again. This then, is surely the evil plan that lurks behind their diabolical thinking.
Somehow this entire ongoing business attitude in my every day life is driving me quietly but inexorably insane with frustration. Hence I have written this little blog, in the remote hope that others who have suffered the same mindless torture might be in someway be stirred to action against these bungling, inadequate, brain dead Agents of Customer Disservice.
Maybe it will be me that will be finally Un-Made In Germany!
+ 
= 
